The Interview

Okay, so I’ll have to admit, last week I was pretty geared up for my first interview ever at a law firm.  I was interviewed by two (for lack of a better word) schmucks.  One was the son of one of the partners.  I’ll refer to him as the ”Goon”.  The other was a fat Asian man in his late forties.  (Isn’t it pretty hard to be a fat Asian man?)

 Now, the location should have been my first clue that I wasn’t exactly interviewing at a hoity toity national firm.  Afterall, it was located off of the city’s Industrial Road, which screams cheap rent and CHEAP PAY.   The interview went something like this:

Big Fat Middle Age Asian Man (“BFMAAM”): ”Let me tell you about our firm.  We are one of the more prestigious firms in the area that practice employment law and want to remain that way.  As such, we are seeking an associate that can adhere to the high standards that our firm has set.  Is this a place you would be interested in working for?”

Me:  “Yes.” 

My internal dialogue:  “I can see from your Industrial Road address that you must be one of the more prestigious firms in the area.  Is this guy for real?” 

BFMAAM:   ”Now before we get into any more detail about your qualifications, I see you went to a religious university.”

Me:  ”Yes, it was a private university.”

GOON:  (Smiling at me with an abnormally toothy grin.  An eery cross between Gomer Pile and a sexual offender). 

BFMAAM:  “And you went to law school here.  Were there any bars around the university?”

Me:  “Yes,  I think so.”

BFMAAM:  (growing more tense).  Where were the bars located? 

Me:  “I think there was one located across from the university that some of the students went to.” 

BFMAAM:  (losing his patience).  Let’s cut to the chase, do you drink?  I like to conduct a lot of my work after hours at bars, and I need to know if you have a problem with that?  A lot of business happens after hours, and I need to know if you can do business over a drink? 

Me:  “I don’t have a problem with you conducting business at a bar.”

BFMAAM:  (Angrily)  You didn’t answer my question. 

Now my internal dialogue:  “Is this guy freaking kidding me.  He practices emloyment law and is trying to find out if I am Mormon and if I drink in order to see if he can hire me?  He’s already so worked up it looks like he’s jonesing for some hard liquor now.  I’d hate to see him before he’s intoxicated when he’s really worked up.  And, is it really such a good idea to draft legal documents, drunk, at a bar after hours?  Apparently. 

GOON:  (Continues to creepily smile at me and sit way too close):

BFMAAM:  “Well, we’re conducting several interviews, and if I decide to interview you again it will be over lunch.”

Me:  (Robotically)  “Fine.  I’ll look forward to the lunch.” 

Needless to say, I didn’t get the lunch interview.  Refreshing.

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